Update

FPC UPDATE

( A weekly report on everything going on at Frantic Predicament Church, compiled by Evangelism Czar, Jaded Ever, and distributed to church members as a reminder that, despite all evidence to the contrary, some people at the church are doing stuff.)

Ladle:

Our ladle ministry is moving quickly to aid in one of the major problems facing the poor in America today,--obesity. FPC is on the cutting edge by providing the nation's first low-calorie soup kitchen. After feasting on a healthy, dessert-free lunch, ladle guests will be given tracts that explain easy, everyday exercises that can be performed on the street or in a public park. In keeping with our diversity policy, the tract will be available in both English and Spanish.

We need volunteers who can lead the homeless in doing calisthenics before lunch and in a quick jog around the block following the meal. A CPR certificate, while not a requirement, would be helpful.

Special Events:

All of Christendom was rejoicing three months ago when Rancid Pervert, the famous head banger from the eighties, came to know the Lord. Rancid’s epiphany occurred when a judge informed him that he would be jailed if he didn’t pay back alimony to his four wives and child support to his nine children.

Rancid initiated his transformed life by beginning a “Church Basement Tour” which is now playing across America. Rancid will be doing two concerts in San Diego. The first will be at Rancho Bernardo Community Presbyterian where all profits will go to the Child Molesters Defense Fund and the next night, July 10, Rancid will be performing right here in FPC’S basement!

The Lord has empowered Rancid with a special gift for reaching middle aged people who don’t have a life. So, come and be sure to bring a middle aged loser with you.

We need volunteers who will actually buy tickets and come to this thing, as we had to pay Rancid in advance and stand to lose a bundle. 

Outreach:

Last month saw another big event in our continuing relationship with Proust Elementary School. Our Minister  of the Dead and Dying, Morbid Wails, accompanied Ditzy Rocker for FPC's contribution to the school's Self-Esteem Day. Morbid and Ditzy helped pump the self images of the urchins by telling them about David, the humble shepherd boy, who brought down the giant Goliath.

            We need volunteers who are willing to perjure themselves in court and state that they were at the school on Self-Esteem Day and that Morbid and Ditzy made no mention of sling shots nor did they teach the kids how to make sling shots. This will be a stressful mission as an irresponsible media has already sensationalized the Shepherd Boys Gang that is now terrorizing the area around Proust Elementary. Regretfully, the convenience store robbery where a tyke shot a stone against the head of a clerk who refused to hand over the money occurred on an otherwise slow news day and received more attention than it merited.

From the desk of the Evangelism Czar:

What an exciting and wonderful time it has been for me to meet and work with all of the dedicated saints at Frantic Predicament Church. I thought I would take a few moments here to answer a few of the questions that have come my way.

1) Yes, I am aware that staff salaries account for most of the church budget. Yes, I do believe that I am earning my pay. Any further questions on this matter should be addressed to the Personnel Committee.

2) Yes, I am aware that some people are dissatisfied with the increasingly liturgical nature of our Worship Services. No, I do not come from a Catholic background and am not being paid by any Catholic organization to place Frantic Predicament Church under the authority of the Vatican. Any further questions on this matter should be addressed to the Worship and Arts Committee.

3) Yes, I am aware that since I became Evangelism Czar, attendance at FPC has gone down. Yes, I know that the busiest part of the church is the exit door and, frankly, I don't blame people for using it. Heaven knows, if I wasn't getting paid to do so, I wouldn't come near this loony bin. Any further questions on this matter should be addressed to...oh...just shove it!

We need volunteers who are willing to serve as character references on my resume that will be sent to a construction company. The Company is contracted to build  In-N-Out franchises in the downtown area. The In-N-Out cheeseburger is one of the greatest gifts the Lord has bestowed upon a fallen world and there is no reason why folks in the downtown should have to drive out to a subbie in order to partake of this magnificent blessing. Damn it all, I really do care about the downtown!